20 Lessons from the first half of my 20s

Today is the anniversary of trying to ✨unalive✨ myself. Nine years ago I would not have dreamed of making it to the age of 17, nonetheless the age 25. I am proud of myself and grateful to the mental health professionals and friends who have helped me make it this far. Here is a list…

Five Unsettling Stories from The Bible

The deconstruction of my faith has taken years Once I think that I am done asking questions, a dozen more come up. In some ways, I want to be able to re-construct the faith that I once had. If I am being honest with myself, I don't see that happening for several reasons. The first…

Christmas Was Never The Enemy

As someone who was raised within the Messianic "Jewish" community, I do not have any kind of emotional attachment to Christmas. My parents allowed me to celebrate Christmas, but I chose not to because of personal convictions. This wasn't the norm in the Messianic community I grew up in. I can only think of two…

I Don’t Want To Go Back To My Old Church

I am invited to church, almost every time I see my dad. I haven't been back to my former congregation since 2018. The constant invite back has gotten old because it feels like a boundary is being crossed. With him, it’s never a question that gets asked once and we move on, it's a question…

I Should Have Left My Church Earlier

Today I worked the lunch rush at my job. I work at an establishment that gets insanely busy during peak meal times. Amid the craziness, I look up and realize there is somebody in the lobby that I was not expecting. Sitting not too far from where I was, a person that I had a…

Am I A Better Person Now?

Growth is good and necessary in order to evolve. It is no secret that I am a completely different person than I was five or ten years ago. I still have the same personality because I no longer let a book dictate every little detail in my life. When I think about my former motives…

A Re-Introduction

I haven't pushed published in an extremely long time. I started this site as a teenager, on fire for god and now I am in a drastically different place, and I have anxiety of sharing my thoughts. Back in the day, I had a small community of believers that kept up with Lama-Leah and now…

Is The Christian God loving?

Jesus loves me, this I know, for the bible tells me so. These are lyrics of a famous hymn by Anna Barlett Warner written in 1859. In this day in age, it is frequently used as a children’s nursery song in the evangelical movement. From an early age it teaches kids that they are loved…

Does The Devil Know The Bible Better Than Anyone?

Back in the day, the phrase "The Devil knows the bible better than anyone" was tossed around frequently in my bible study. We used it when we thought Satan was manipulating gods word for evil or wrongdoing. I know that who I am today is someone that I feared becoming. I could not wrap my…

I Dont Have To Love My Bullies

I recently started getting bullied by a peer. I know that I need to sit them down to work out our differences because we may not like each other, but we have to get along. Honestly, I haven’t done it yet because I don’t like confrontation and frankly I’m not sure if doing that will…